Tax Time in the Stone Age
A stunning new discovery has proven that US income tax is actually far older than the 1913 ratification of the 16th amendment. A crack archeological team led by Prof. Alfred E. Coprolite from the University of Northern South Dakota at Bison has unearthed extensive drawings and hieroglyphs on a cave wall in Nevada. The drawings date back to c. 9800 BC and describe the payment of an obligation (tax) to the tribal leadership.
Prof. Coprolite has attempted an authentic rendering of his startling discovery. Together with the drawings, the hieroglyphs describe a discussion between a hunter and the tribal leader’s tax collector.[i]
Mugwump (tribal tax collector): Ho, Thag, it Time of New Growth.
Thag (hunter): Ho, Mugwump. That mean Pay Og Time. Leader want usual arm and leg?
M: Both. Show cave wall. (reads). Hmm. Thag owe just one mammoth haunch?
T: Hunting not good. Many costs.
M: Also many take-away-froms here.[ii] (reads further) Hmm.
T: Problem with deductions?
M: New baby okay. But 20 spears? What, lose many spears?
T: Tribe hunters busy. Thag get[iii] not-tribe help. Helpers gatherers, not hunters. Break many spears.
M: Where you get not-tribe helpers?
T: From beyond stream.[iv]
M: That not allowed. Og want you use tribe hunters only. No deduction. How you pay them?
T: With part of kill.
M: And with spears. Says here (points at wall). Spears deducted two times. No can do.
(The next section was undecipherable. The only two legible hieroglyphs were a pair of hands reaching up, the standard cave-drawing symbol for an imprecation, followed by a second glyph. Together they translate as: “May mounds of mammoth dung block your cave door.”)
M: Also, Thag give many shells to shaman. Why that?
T: Shaman cost more this season. Many visits to shaman.
M: What was problem?
T: Bad bear hurt Thag-leg. Many tests. Each time shaman hit knee with stick, cost two shells. Leg-fix cost ten shells.
M: Ouch!
T: That what Thag say. Also, shaman say Thag need head-fixing.
M. Why that?
T: Hurt leg make Thag crazy. Shaman sell funnyplant for head. Cost ten more shells.
M. Plant work?
T: Work good.
M: Thag-wall make Mugwump head hurt.
T: Here, Mugwump try funnyplant…no, not rub on head, burn plant. Breath smoke.
M (breathes in smoke): Ah. Thag-wall look better. Thag go get mammoth haunch now.
T (returns with small mammoth haunch): Here, give to Og.
M: That very small haunch.
T: Mugwump need more plant.
M (smokes): Haunch look bigger now. Mugwump come again next season.[v]
[i] The professor notes that some interpretation was necessary where the hieroglyphs were too degraded to read.
[ii] The hieroglyph literally reads “take-away-froms.” The presumed sense in this context is “deduction.” That word will be used henceforth.
[iii] Again, from the context Prof. Coprolite believes “hires” may be a preferable translation.
[iv] “Stream” has no significance in the context here. Prof. Coprolite believes the implication is possibly “beyond our borders,” i.e. meaning an undocumented worker.
[v] The text ends here with several hieroglyphs. The first is the hieroglyph for “good-by,” a hand waving with a single finger extended. The next is the aforementioned symbol for an imprecation, followed by a picture of a sabre-tooth tiger burying its head in a man’s stomach. From context, Prof. Coprolite suggests the following translation: “May the long-toothed cat feast on your entrails.”
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